JOE: Knock. Knock.
ELLEN: Who's there?
J: I knew you would say that. Have you always been so predictable?
E: Yes.
J: Since you're originally from Connecticut, tell us... What is the most misguided stereotype associated with CT living?
E: That we like to do crafts using leftover egg cartons.
J: Martha Stewart: condescending bitch or misunderstood?
E: Condescending bitch. All the way.
J: I fear I've hit a nerve. What is the most misguided stereotype associated with the Irish?
E: (Long pause.) None. They all stick.
J: I thought so. I understand you once did an ad resulting in your picture being painted across the entire rear panel of a public bus in CT. How does that make you feel?
E: Car sick.
J: Let's see: we know you're a consistently solid actor and brilliant improviser. We understand you generate a steady income performing commercially. You’re friends tell us you're a blast at parities. You're sister claims you're an exemplary administrative assistant. You sew. You bake like nobody's business and have sold your cakes to restaurants. Is there anything you can't do?
E: I can't ride a unicycle. And I have tried. I can't accept a compliment.
J: To what do you attribute your efficient effectiveness?
E: I come from a creative, anal-retentive gene pool.
J: So why acting?
E: They say the youngest tends to go into acting. And I'm the youngest of seven. Plus, it's something my brother and sisters hadn't done. And you get all the attention as an actor.
J: Being that you're a seamstress maybe you can clear something up. Does a stitch in time really save nine?
E: Yes it does.
J: Being so accomplished I'm sure you've been showered with compliments a plenty. What is one of your favorites?
E: "Nice legs." I received that compliment from a gooney guy who was a little too interested in collecting comic books; which I guess makes it a dubious compliment.
J: Being a working actor generating a steady income puts you in a unique league. Are you willing to be a "movie star" with all the notoriety and publicity?
E: If only someone would offer it to me! Although I do look like hell on a daily basis. So that whole "being caught in a grocery store" thing is scary. But I'm willing to suffer for my art. And for the money.
J: Here, here. I understand you have your own theater company. Tell me about it.
E: Well, I joined when I was fresh out of the eighth grade. The company "elders" were in the ninth grade at the time, very sophisticated, hah! We did "The Importance of Being Earnest" in one week's time. Production values have gotten better since then. At least, I hope they have.
J: What do you do to relax?
E: (Giggle) Hole up in the dark with three hours solid of sitcoms, Dateline NBC, chocolate chip cookies and milk.
J: My kinda gal. What's your favorite curse word?
E: Well I am fond of saying "Jesus, Mary and Joseph."
J: What would be the title of your autobiography/ memoirs?
E: What a good question.
J: Thank you.
E: That's too important a question and I can't think of an answer. I'll have to get back to you (and any potential publishers) on that.
J: What do you think would be the title of your unauthorized autobiography?
E: "Bitch from the Burbs." Something like that.
J: What makes you blush?
E: L’Oreal Cameo #4. That, and if a boy is nice to me.
J: How sweet. Without looking, name five items in your purse.
E: That's easy. They're always the same: lip balm, a teeny-tiny hairbrush, my Handspring PDA, a cell phone and a very, very fat wallet.
J: Oh you CT people. If you were to be stranded on a desolate island and could be guaranteed a lifetime supply of three things, what would they be?
E: Pizza. Chocolate chip cookies. Diet Pepsi. That assumes the desert island is warm.
J: What are a few of your favorite things?
E: Warm clothes, my own warm bed, a warm bath.
J: Congratulations. You've just been invited to give the commencement speech at your alma mater. What would be the theme of your speech?
E: "Don't be so shy."
J: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
E: About a cord.
J: What is your favorite role or character?
E: Ideally it's the very stylish, witty British dame who wears all the smashing outfits.
J: Are you a natural brunette?
E: Yes... only now I need help staying "natural."
J: What is your most rewarding accomplishment?
E: Going away to school at the age of 16 was the hardest and best thing I ever did. It changed my whole life.
J: What makes a person attractive to you?
E: When I'm comfortable and stupid in their company.
J: (Giggle) What do you wear to bed?
E: Nothing, baby!!!!
Yowza! Well. How do you follow that? Thank you Ellen. For your time, the laughs and your talent. If anyone is afforded an hour similar to the one I've shared here with you, there'll be no shortage of potential suitors.


I’m sitting on a stoop in the Village, risking a trespassing summons, shooting the bull with fellow Improvoholic, Michael Silva:

JOE: Hello Michael, or is it "Mike?" Which do you prefer?
MICHAEL: I prefer Michael. I like Mike. Kids call me Mikey. Mickey is out of the question.
J: Understandably. Do you have any pet peeves?
M: Pets. Specifically.
J: What's your idea of a fun night out?
M: Friends, a bottle of wine, a designated driver and a piano.
J: Sounds like a Billy Joel song. You've done improv, an ABC After-School Special and several student films. What's next?
M: I think a sitcom.
J: Where do you get all your energy?
M: I'd have to say exercise and I eat right but most of all I like Nabisco Wheat Thins. A lot.
J: You've backpacked through Europe. Would you recommend it?
M: Yes.
J: Being a big Olivia Newton-John fan, were you upset when Koala Blue went bankrupt?
M: I support her in the climb from bankruptcy because I have been mellow. I was more upset with her breast cancer.
J: Here, here. We wish her the best. Being a trained actor, what in another actor's performance impresses you?
M: Real behavior, focus, physical presence and the ability to draw in my attention.
J: Does being a blonde hurt or help your career?
M: It's a double-edged sword; cuts both ways. I think it lightens my severe personality but people don't take me as seriously as I feel. But I love being a blonde.
J: Do guys make passes at girls who wear glasses?
M: Yes.
J: Rumor has it you do a killer Cher impersonation. Can you show us?
J: How funny was that?! Do it again!
J: Ha. You kill me! Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
M: I see myself having worked on TV, working in films, an Oscar nomination and a show on Broadway while living in a co-op in NYC with a terrace and no pets.
J: Who do people say you remind them of?
M: Sandy Duncan, Joel Grey, Ed Norton and Brad Pitt.
J: Who do you remind you of?
M: Brad Pitt.
J: Besides taking classes, what could a fellow actor do to enhance their work?
M: Listen. Watch. Observe. And eat Nabisco Wheat Thins. A lot.
J: Are getting paid every time you say that? Let's hit the basics: Favorite Store?
M: Banana Republic.
J: Favorite Color?
M: Green.
J: Favorite Emotion?
M: Blind enthusiasm.
J: Dream House?
M: Tina Turner's mansion on the Riviera.
J: Are you a lover or a fighter?
M: A little bit of both. Half and half.
J: Why are you staring at my hair? Does it look OK?
M: YES! I SWEAR! Did you use gel?
J: I'll ask the questions.
M: Very well then.
J: Do you believe the children are our future?
M: No.
J: Do you depend on the kindness of strangers?
M: YES!
J: Do you think Tara Lapinski deserved the gold?
M: NO! That little bitch.
J: You walk into a party with Hilary Clinton, Calvin Klein, Madonna and Oprah Winfrey. To whom do you introduce yourself first?
M: Oprah. No. No. Madonna. No. Well, I don't care about Calvin Klein so I would have to say…Hilary. Then Oprah. Then Madonna. But I would tell Madonna I want to talk to her first.
J: They say Ball Park Franks plump when you cook them. What is your sign?
M: Scorpio.
J: Astrology: fact or fiction?
M: It's just a guide like organized religion or Monopoly rules.
J: Is it "starve a cold, feed a fever" or "feed a cold, starve a fever?"
M: I say take vitamins.
J: If you could have one supernatural power, what would it be?
M: To fly.
J: Your little nephew comes up to you and says, "Uncle Mikey, I want to be happy when I grow up." What do you say?
M: Follow your heart, be yourself, have dreams and reach for the stars.
J: With you as a role model and guide, I have no doubt he'll find it. Thank you.